If you’ve been following my blog for a long time, then you might know that one of my long term weight loss goals has been to reward myself with something special from Victoria’s Secret. I have NEVER bought anything for myself there but I’ve always wanted to. Even when I was skinny, I never bought anything from there, something always held me back. For some weird reason, it always seemed out of reach for me.
Probably because I’m so terribly shy and I always felt so insecure when I’d go into the store. The sales clerks are all gorgeous and I just didn’t feel like I was part of that club and then after babies, etc. I gained weight which only added to my insecurities. I’ve always used the excuse that they were crazy expensive, which they can be but you are paying for better quality than Walmart (not to knock Walmart because I’ve bought plenty of bras there). I’ve said, they won’t have my size, it’s crowded, etc. Anything I could think of. Oh, and I haven’t lost the weight yet.
I’ve bought stuff for my daughter there for years, but I just wouldn’t buy it for myself. I decided a few years ago, that when I get down to my goal weight my big reward to myself would be to go to Victoria’s Secret and buy one of their gorgeous bras. That was my ultimate reward! I never spend that much money on intimates! Seriously! I have a panic attack if I spend $20 on a bra. But I’ll spend $50 on a foundation and not bat an eye. I’m so weird, right?
Fast forward to the present, as in last weekend. My favorite bra’s wire snapped. Ugh! Time to go shopping. Typically shopping is one of my favorite things to do until I have to go bra shopping. It reminds me that I don’t have many choices because I’m not a B or C cup. So I’m already slightly stressed about finding anything that doesn’t cost a fortune and isn’t the ugliest thing on the planet. Seriously? Who decided that if you are a D cup and up that equals ugly bras? So frustrating! I headed out and my youngest daughter went with me, poor thing.
It was one of the most stressful, frustrating and depressing shopping trips I’ve had in a long time. Target had a few in my size, but they really didn’t fit right. Marshall’s had even less and they didn’t fit comfortably. Ross had none in my size and TJ Maxx had literally hundreds of bras if you were a 34 B or a 34 C but none in any other size and I’m not kidding. I was so stressed and frustrated I almost cried. I’m was just so tired of going through this every time I have to go bra shopping and I’m really not that big. I know I’m a little overdramatic, but I’d been wearing a sports bra all week and the next day was Sunday. I had to find something! My only choice was to hit the mall and visit Victoria’s Secret.
My daughter talked me into going into Victoria’s Secret because it was 8 pm, they were running a sale and we were running out of time. I could feel the anxiety hitting me like crazy. I heard this voice inside my head keep telling me, “You don’t deserve this.” “You don’t belong here.” “You’re too big.” I felt like running out of the store and back to my car and having a long cry. Over a bra. Ugh! (Insert facepalm here.) Remember, I can shop like crazy for my daughter in this store with no problem, just not for myself.
As we were looking around, a store clerk started to talk to us and I was a nervous wreck, which I think she noticed. She asked me my size and to be honest, I really didn’t know, I just went with what always seemed to fit and was comfortable. I had not had a proper fitting since I was buying my first bra. When was the last time you were sized? She asked if she could size me and before I could say anything my daughter chimed in and told her I didn’t really know my size and there on the sales floor I was descretly sized. Sounds contradictory doesn’t it? But she was very discrete. I found out pretty quickly that I was a completely different size than I had always thought. No wonder nothing was fitting correctly!
Granted each brand has its own sizing, but now I have a size to go by. Next thing I knew I was being educated about something I thought I knew a lot about and I finally started to relax a little. I was put in a dressing room with a selection of bras in my size. Now I’m nervous again. What if they don’t fit? What if they don’t carry my size? I’m not humongous, but I’m not a D either. The panic of someone is going to see me in a bra that I don’t know was setting in and I was trying to keep all of this calm and contained.
But you know what? It turned out to be so much fun! The sales clerk was amazing! I was in desperate need of a nude bra to replace the one I broke, but she also brought me lots of colors. She told me she was a Latina and that she wanted to see me have some fun. We laughed and giggled and she made me feel so comfortable. I told my daughter in the dressing room, I felt like a pampered princess. She and one of the other sales girls adjusted straps, compared one bra to another on me, ran and got different styles, etc. all while making me feel like I belonged there and that there was no one else in the store as important as me.
I walked out of that store buying not one, but two bras. Nude and navy and I’m in love and I’ve never felt so comfortable in a bra in my life. I have to say, I also look so much better. Even my posture is better and my shoulders aren’t hurting as much. Who knew my old bras were causing that? Seriously? I should have done this years ago. I seriously can’t get over the difference it’s made. I thought what I had been wearing was the right, but I have been proven wrong. I even look a little slimmer!
How much time have you wasted thinking the same thing? It may not be a Victoria’s Secret bra, but there’s something that somewhere along the way, you made the decision you weren’t worthy. Maybe someone said it to you and you thought they were right. But you are worthy and they or yourself is wrong. Stop telling yourself lies. Who would have thought that a trip to buy a bra would teach me about my own insecurities?
When I got to my car, I looked at my daughter as we were laughing about all of my anxiety over this how stressed out I had been and I said to her, “I’m a grown-ass woman, I should be able to walk into Victoria’s Secret and buy a bra.” We both died laughing. I can’t believe I’ve spent so much of my life thinking I wasn’t worthy and I didn’t deserve something as simple as a Victoria’s Secret bra. All of that stress and anxiety over buying a bra was something I should have never put myself through.
There are the basic things I learned about how wearing the right bra size makes you look and feel like, the right fit makes you feel more comfortable, your clothes will fit so much better and you will look better and because of that, you are more confident. Those are the basic things but what I learned about myself was more important. I learned that I need to let go of some of those lies I’ve been telling myself for so long and go buy the bra! From Victoria’s Secret! I’m a grown adult and if I want a bra or whatever, then I shouldn’t hold myself back because of my own anxiety.
I didn’t realize how much my anxiety had been allowed to rule my life. Don’t let anxiety hold you back. God doesn’t want anxiety to rule us. He wants us to be happy. So, buy the bra or whatever it is that you’ve been wanting to do. What’s been holding you back? What has anxiety stopped you from doing? Maybe we can help each other beat it.
Here’s a great devotional that I just finished about letting go of lies that we tell ourselves. She is free: Learning the Truth About the Liest That Hold You Captive