As I’m writing this all kinds of emotions are flooding me, anger, hurt, disappointment, fear, and even some depression. I have found out that I’m going to have to have a hysterectomy. I should be throwing a party, right? Who doesn’t want to get rid of having their periods? They’re a pain, literally and that bloating, month after month. So why am I so hesitant and having all of these emotions while my friends are just like, “Yank that thing out!” “What’s the big deal?” I’m not really sure, if I was a little younger and thought that there was a possibility that I might want more children, then I would definitely understand what the big deal was. But I’ve been done having kids for quite some time now and I’ve come to learn that for myself, even after having problems since the very first visit from my little friend, and wishing that this would all go away, that maybe, I’m not as ready now that it’s a reality like I thought.
First of all, let me point out, I’m in no way a doctor and I can not and will not take the place of your doctor. Ok, disclaimer done!
There are so many emotions that have hit me when I found out that I was going to have to have one and to my surprise joy wasn’t one of them. I have been diagnosed with Adenomyosis. It’s like Endometriosis but inside the muscle wall of your uterus. Yuck! And very painful. I have learned that a lot of what I’ve been suffering through for years (since my 20’s), lower back pain and painful, heavy periods was not normal. I thought it was normal. Aren’t we taught that periods are uncomfortable? It’s just a part of life, right? Apparently not.
I guess I just got used to it. I was busy with babies, and then busy with everything that comes with kids, homeschool, teens and now young adults. I didn’t have time to think about it. Again, I just thought my periods were normal and I didn’t find out till recently that it wasn’t. If you have painful periods or heavy periods, talk to your doctor. It may not be normal. We girls don’t take our girly health seriously at all. I went for years without going to an ob/gyn after my last daughter was born; I think probably about 10 years. So now, I’m experiencing all kinds of emotions like fear.
Fear is an easy one to start with. I’m fearful of having major surgery and yes, I know that makes me a bit of a wimp, but I don’t care. Fear of the recovery process and how much pain I might be in, but knowing I actually might be feeling better than I have in while. By the way, how am I supposed to finish up homeschooling this year when I’m stuck in bed? Ugh! I feel angry because I’m mad that I must have surgery. Angry that my body has betrayed me. Anger that my husband doesn’t talk to me about my surgery except to ask when I’m going to schedule it (Please note, he’s a great husband, but he’s a man and sometimes they don’t understand girly stuff). Anger that I can’t bring myself to schedule a date. I’m angry because my daughter and I just got on a roll with homeschool again because she has to deal with EDS and it’s her senior year and I wanted it to be perfect.
I’m disappointed with myself, although none of this is my fault, personally. I hurt physically and emotionally. Although I have all the children I want, it’s the finality of it. I will NEVER be able to have kids again. And I’m totally frustrated because now I have to get everything together in advance to finish out homeschool this year and now everything else I wanted to do is shot. Like gardening, I wanted to have a garden this year. That’s shot! And I wanted to work on our addition and for me, that’s shot! There are so many emotions and I wasn’t prepared for them. I’m still dealing with them and will be for quite some time.
I did find out that I’m not the only one that feels like this. I found Hystersisters.com an online support and information group for women going through a hysterectomy. I was so surprised by how many women grieve over it, like me and that it’s not being crazy, it’s natural. It is a process and I will get through it. Have you been through this? Have you had a hysterectomy? I will probably be blogging about my experience, as a way of helping myself, but hopefully, it will encourage other women to get to their doctors and take their own girly health seriously. We can’t be supermom if we’re in pain or sick. We have to take care of ourselves so we can take care of our families and it’s part of setting a good example for own daughters.