The past three weeks have been slightly rough, to say the least. I’ve had a lot going on personally and I’m not writing any of this so that you’ll feel sorry for me, but to let you know that if any of you deal with anything similar, you are not alone. I’ve decided to really get back into sharing more of our life, this is supposed to be a lifestyle blog after all, so here goes.
Three weeks ago, I started off with lots of chest pain that went into my back. My face was breaking out and red and I was itching everywhere. At first, I thought I pulled a muscle in my back or maybe even popped my rib out. I had been sneezing and coughing so that would make sense, but it was getting worse. I had reached a point where it hurt to breathe. Every breath stang and I felt like I wasn’t getting any air. I finally decided to go to the doctor when I woke up and honestly felt like I couldn’t breathe at all. On the way, I almost went straight to the emergency room instead. It was kinda scary.
Turns out I was having a really bad allergic reaction (or so we think) along with some upper respiratory crud and they were causing me to have asthma-like symptoms. I don’t have asthma. I have 3 kids with asthma but I don’t have asthma. So I was given an inhaler, an antibiotic and prednisone and told to go on a strict diet like Whole 30 to figure out what is causing the allergy.
I started getting better and then bang! It hit me all over again. My fever spiked up to 100 degrees and the chest pain came back and my throat was killing me. Did I mention I picked up a 24-hour stomach bug on top of all of this? Can you feel me rolling my eyes right now? Back to the doctor I went and was immediately sent for a chest x-ray and labs, with another round of antibiotics and prednisone. After all of that, they still have no idea what is going on with me.
But I think I do and why in the world it wasn’t my first thought is oblivious to me. I have Chronic Epstein Barr. I didn’t even think to ask the doctor if it was flaring up. In my defense, not once did it pop up in my chart, or the doctor was unaware. I was so out of it, I wasn’t even thinking about it. I feel so dumb. I am great at being an advocate for my kids and my husband and everyone else around me, but not for myself. Are you like that too? I even tried to play off how bad I was actually feeling. What is wrong with that? It’s mom guilt. I have 3 grown kids and I still get mom guilt when I’m sick. You’d think by now I’d have outgrown that. But I guess not. Moms can’t get sick, we don’t have time for that. I don’t want to be a bother, even to a doctor.
But here I am on round two of medicines, down for the count. I went to the grocery store yesterday for the first time in three weeks. What happened by the time I got home? I was running a fever because I overdid it. I was feeling better, so I went with one of my daughters, but in all honesty, I should have stayed home and sent the list with her. But I didn’t because I’m the mom. I’m supposed to care of the groceries, the house and everyone else. That’s my job as a stay at home mom, right?
Matter of fact, a friend of mine fussed at me and my other daughter the other day when she found out we hadn’t been to the store in three weeks. She asked me why I just didn’t give my kids (adult kids that still live at home) the list and send them to the store. They could even buy the groceries themselves. I didn’t have a good answer. Why didn’t I do that? I should have. I could have even ordered the groceries and had them pick them up! Mom guilt is the only answer I have. I’m supposed to do it. It’s my job, right?
Does it ever go away? I’m not sure. But I need to learn to let my adult kids do more. My daughters did take care of making sure supper was done every night that I wasn’t up to cooking, or nights my hubby didn’t get take out. My husband did wash the laundry. I folded it when I was up to it. And the kids did the dishes, well put up the dishes, I still managed to load them. I think I need to learn to speak up more when I need help, instead of just thinking I’ll get around to it when I am up and feeling better. Why don’t I speak up more? Mom guilt.
Don’t get me wrong, I have a great family and I’m crazy proud of the adults that my husband and I have raised. They are all generous, kind and hard-working adults. So this is my fault for not saying this is what you need to do while I’m sick. Are you guilty of the same thing? How do you handle it? I feel so bad that I’m sick and I hate asking other people to do things for me.
Hear the guilt? But isn’t that part of raising children? Yes, it is and even though my kids are grown, adult kids (26, 24 and 21) I’m still training them to be the adults they need to be. And they do live here, so they should run this house as well as I do when I’m sick or not. But, I hate to ask. Mom guilt. I don’t think that ever stops. I just need to speak up and get over the guilt of asking for help. What about you?
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